We are in Italy again…my spiritual home! After what seemed like an eternity and not wanting to believe it until we were actually on the plane, we are here. It is nothing short of wonderful. I was so anxious leading up to going away – yes, about all of the requirements for travel for both Australia and Italy, packing our luggage, hunting for our cat who decided to run away for two days (a story for another time) but also because it would be the first time in 3 years that we are actually getting away from home! I do think the lockdowns contributed to this in a material way and you don’t really know that this has happened until you actually try to leave your sphere or virtual prison.
We are doing something fundamentally wrong in Australia. This is not an Australia-bashing session – I love Australia and it has been so incredibly good to us. However, you reach a point in your life where you realise that there is more to life than working and that connection with others is more critical than anything else. COVID taught me a great deal and this was lesson number 1. We are so wired to need to connect and I really feel that we are losing this connection as a society and this is resulting in more mental health issues as well as general unhappiness. In one of the most profound TED talks I have seen in a long time, the journalist Johann Hari outlines why the loss of connection with others could be behind someone’s anxiety and depression and gives moving examples of where renewing connections have helped in material ways – https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_this_could_be_why_you_re_depressed_or_anxious?language=en
So being here is feeding my soul in ways I didn’t realise. And our kids are feeling it too. They feel part of the community here and love that every time we go to get an espresso or to pick up some tomatoes from the local grocer, we meet different friends or family along the way and end up spending hours just connecting. We all really needed this.
Fabio and I have often pondered how do we recreate that level of connection in Australia. How do we ensure we feel as fulfilled there as we do so easily here. That is difficult. We often say in Australia that life gets in the way but this is not true. Life isn’t getting in the way – work is. We are prioritising work and school above our need to connect and our society reinforces this by the value we place on people being so busy. We love to say we are really busy.
I don’t have a solution for this yet….but we are working on it. In the meantime, I am enjoying just ‘being’ here. Our first morning in Savona, was like this…. so serene, so Italy.
You may be wondering “what is she doing as part of this big change?” and I am happy to share that with you! Isn’t this what starting a blog is all about?
Me after O was born in 2014
The truth can hurt
The first step is being honest with where I am at today. Some hard facts about me. Within 3 months of O being born 7 years ago, I have gradually been gaining weight. From a post pregnancy weight of 78kgs to….drumroll….a current weight of 108kg. Yes. I know you know this because you have seen it. You have seen me. Did I know it was this bad? No. I don’t weigh myself. I was just buying bigger clothes every now and again and basically getting on with things.
However, I could feel things changing. First of all, I get puffed out really quickly doing the most rudimentary things. I rarely allow myself to be photographed but I have seen some recent photos and I was shocked. Going up stairs, any stairs, would really make my knees hurt. When I bend over to tie my shoelaces, I feel like somebody is squeezing my throat and I can’t breathe! I am an early bird, but recently I have been finding it hard to get out of bed. I have been feeling like a 48 year old woman in an 80 year old body. What happened to me? I don’t feel overweight – I just feel like me. A me who is not healthy.
I don’t know what I don’t know
So, I bit the bullet and decided the ostrich way doesn’t work for me. I went to the doctors to check two main things – my general physical status (everything!) and potential allergies. My results came back for both and it was a rude awakening and a timely warning. A blessing I would say. I have the higher end of the healthy range of the bad cholesterol and my good cholesterol is not high enough, I am potentially pre-diabetic (showing the signs) and my liver is showing some strain. Most likely because of my gallbladder being removed within 3 months of O being born and my liver struggling to keep up with the fat intake. I am technically and obviously obese and I am also premenopausal. Da daaaaa!!! Also, as I was showing symptoms of either gluten or dairy allergy or intolerance, I got the key allergies tested and it all came back clear (which means that I don’t have allergies to these things but could still have intolerances as they cannot be tested). Ok. Deep breath. Ok.
I have a choice at this point in my life. I either pretend it is all good, my body is my body, I should not be ashamed of being overweight etc or I take steps to change my lifestyle for the better so that I can do all I can to be as healthy as possible. What do I want to choose?
I feel that it is really important to say that I don’t believe any person should be judged by how big they are. Your weight does not define who you are. The body shaming and biases that are inherent in our society around the weight of an individual need to be addressed. In every single woman and man within whatever body shape they have is a unique spirit, God’s creation and deserving of living a fulfilled and genuine life. We have to stop judging people by their appearance – we are missing out on allowing ourselves to see the wonderful true spirit within. How can this start? By us stopping to judge ourselves first. It all starts from within.
I am not shy. In many ways, this has helped me to in essence ignore what was happening with my body and just keep on being me. To be honest with myself though, I was hiding even if I thought I wasn’t. Does this weight gain affect my confidence? Yes. Yes it does. I didn’t think it did. I always would just think that nothing can hold me back and I would just shine over my weight and basically blot that reality out. It wasn’t really like that. I really regret that I keep avoiding being in photos with my beautiful family. I struggle to find photos with my husband and kids from the earlier years of their growth. I feel really sad about this.
I do not hate who I am. I do not want to punish myself for where I am at today. I am not a victim here. Life happened. Wonderful life happened. So now to change.
The way forward
I have committed with my doctor to go on a three month intermittant fast, low carb way of eating so that I can live healthier and lose the excess weight sustainably.
For the past two weeks, I have started step 1 which is to remove all simple carbohydrates (white flour goods – bread, pasta, rice) from my diet and add more vegetables of every colour and variety. To get into the rhythym of eating food I really want to eat and enjoy without the carb loading. I have really loved this. I am eating wonderfully delicious food that I enjoy and I also think my family is benefitting from this approach for their own health. Great! It hasn’t been all roses. I have had a day now and again where I will have a croissant for breakfast or where I tried a piece of the boys’ pizza. However, I can fairly say that 99% of the time, I am eating as I need to and enjoying it.
I have also been moving more. I am either doing a half hour walk or bike riding every day (unless it rains) and I am loving that! I bought a basket for the bike so that I can feel like I am in Provence every time I go riding! It works – I love it! I rode to our local shops to buy flowers the other day and I was daydreaming about riding through the cobbled streets of a little French village to arrive at our little villa! We are also riding together as a family which we all love – why should they have all of the fun!
So far so good! Step 2 will be to start intermittent fasting. So, this involves using what is known as the 16:8 fasting method. You fast for 16 hours and eat nutrient-dense food in the eight-hour window. So, you don’t go crazy eating whatever – this is a lifestyle change! You eat lots of vegetables, protein and fruit. I am starting this from Monday. I will eat my first meal at 10am (I really hate breakfast – I never feel hungry in the morning!) and will have my last meal at 6pm. There is so much literature out there on fasting, the options and ways to include it in your daily life and I won’t try to summarise it all here. Just ensure you go to the source of this – Dr Michael Mosley – and consult your doctor before doing anything at all like this. I am also going to start some weight training – building muscle in my body. I will share this with you separately. I will be doing this from home.
From Monday, I will share with you what I am eating, when and how I am tracking. I will also share my thoughts along the way – what I am feeling and thinking as I am going. And I will also share with you what is happening with me health wise. In 3 months – I will share with you the outcomes! Recipes will be including in the mix as I do hope I can inspire you to eat really yummy food that is coincidently really good for you! If you have any tips or great recipes you want to share with me, please do so.
That’s it! You are now all up to date! Monday is the first day of the full new way to be! Wish me luck!
xF
PS. It is a really big deal for me that the only photos in this blog post are of me. I would normally never do that as I really don’t like photos of me!!
This is one of the first recipes that my mother-in-law gave me soon after I married Fabio. A classic Ligurian recipe. It is so easy to make, delicious and the spinach can be substituted for any other vegetable such as artichokes, zucchini, pumpkin, carrots or anything else really!
The odd ingredient in all of this that isn’t very Italian is the vlita.
Vlita is known as amaranth and you find it in summer from Greek fruit and vegetable stores and farmers markets. I found this beautiful bunch in Oakleigh market yesterday and couldn’t resist buying it. It has a stronger taste than spinach and slightly bitter – it is seriously delicious just boiled until the stems are cooked through, with lemon juice, extra virgin olive oil and salt. Yum. Today, however, I am mixing it with some very fresh spinach to make a polpettone. If you can’t find vlita, just replace it with another bunch of spinach. Easy!
Instead of boiling the greens, I cook them in a frypan until they are wilted – no oil added – just with the traces of water that were left after being washed thoroughly. This way, I keep in all of the goodness (rather than losing it in the boiling water) and the moisture from the greens disappears.
RECIPE
1 bunch of spinach, trimmed and washed very well
1 bunch of vlita, trimmed and washed very well
300g ricotta
2 eggs
40g parmigiano reggiano, grated
grated nutmeg
salt
pepper
extra virgin olive oil
Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius (fan-forced).
Cook the spinach and vlita in a frypan until it is wilted. Set aside to cool. In a food processor add the cooled greens, ricotta, eggs, parmigiano reggiano, grated nutmeg and pepper. Blend until well combined. Season to taste.
Line the base of a springform pan and oil lightly. Pour the mixture into the pan, smooth and drizzle a little extra virgin olive oil on top. Cook the polpettone until it is golden and slightly firm in the middle. Test with a skewer.
Do you ever feel this internal push of resistance to stop you from doing something that you know is what you need at that moment and is good for you? Then stuff happens, people say things, or you just think things that reinforce that resistance and then….you just don’t do it? Feel familiar? Sometimes I feel like I am a spectator of my own decision-making. I stand back and watch as I start off well and that voice deep inside encourages me to do something, then slowly I let resistance do its thing so that I do the opposite of what I need.
Blood orange, avocado, tomato and cucumber salad
Taking this one step further, I have spent too long saying to myself that I can’t change things for myself because of my work, my kids, my husband, my family…. external things that I deceived myself were the ‘reason’ I wasn’t taking care of myself, I wasn’t doing what was good for me. And this propaganda machine in my head has worked so well! The ultimate marketing is that which I do to myself. I am pretty good at it!
I stumbled across this book called ‘the War of Art’ by Steven Pressfield. Simon Sinek referenced his work in one of his inspirational talks and I was curious so looked it up. Pressfield writes about resistance as being the force that turns us away from our higher nature or our long-term growth, health or integrity. It is what drives us to make short term, immediately gratifying decisions that appeal to our lower nature. Our comfort zone. We settle. However, as Mufasa says to his son and the future Lion King – “You are more than what you have become”.
This book simplifies how resistance works and it is so mind blowing that I read one paragraph and I ruminate over it for a while before picking it up to continue reading! One of the first things I read in it which just knocked me for six is this:
“Resistance seems to come from outside ourselves. We locate it in spouses, jobs, bosses, kids. “Peripheral opponents” as Pat RIley used to say when he coached the Los Angeles Lakers. Resistance is not a peripheral opponent. It is self-generated and self-perpetuated. Resistance is the enemy within.”
Self-generated. Self-perpetuated. Wow! I have been sitting on that for a while. When I read this, I think to myself “So I am not powerless here? Really? What am I doing then?”. I have no idea! Ha! I am empowered by this and rejuvenated. It is up to me. Nobody else but me. Pretty cool huh?
Grilled Chicken Thighs, roasted zucchini, a tomato, blood orange and avocado salad and some taramosalata.
So how does this play out in my day to day life. Well, one example is that since the kids were born, I have refused to cook more than one meal for all of us despite having kids with very different likes and dislikes. I just do not do it. Nothing wrong with that in theory. However, what this has meant is that my decisions around what we eat every day are focussed on satisfying my kids and husband and my own preferences do not come into the mix. I am not a fussy eater so it is easier that way. That is the story I tell myself and I give in to that. How can I turn that around? How can I make sure that I am eating what I want and need to eat, and share that with my family so that some of my great taste (ha ha!) rubs off on them?
I have decided to try something different. I will not listen to the resistance of “oh they won’t like it!” or “I don’t want to have another argument about dinner again”. I am going to slowly brainwash them into developing taste in foods that I enjoy eating. I will do it in a very calculated yet subtle and fun way. Did I say brainwash? Yes! Did I say calculated? Yes! Is it going to be bad for them? Ultimately, no. It will be good for all of us!
One thing I know is that I have really good taste in food – both from the perspective of what I like to eat but also how healthy and balanced the food is that I prefer to eat. Pizza, pasta, dumplings, sushi, schnitzel, roast chicken, tomatoes, cucumbers and steak are what my kids and husband would have on the menu every day of the week and they would be blissfully happy!
O will sit there and eat rare (yes rare) steak with the blood dripping down his arms and he won’t want to eat anything else for that sitting. Yes, he eats it with his hands – drives me mad – he reverts to his caveman way of eating! J will eat 3 or 4 bowls of pasta and hoover it down as he has learnt from school to eat super fast and he will be like Homer from the Simpsons and unbutton his jeans and let his (tiny!!) belly free! Some of those foods aren’t so bad and my kids really hate McDonald’s (I am so proud!). We only have takeaway of roast chicken or gyros and nothing else. They are pretty good!! But this limited selection of foods make me feel sick (more on that in a separate post).
So my brainwashing has begun…. I don’t attach any labels to what we eat and I don’t seek my family’s permission to serve the meals I am preparing. It is what it is. Yesterday we ate grilled chicken, roasted zucchini, roast potatoes with a blood orange, tomato, cucumber and avocado salad. The boys snuffed their noses at the zucchini but loved the rest. At least they tried the zucchini….accompanied by the most dramatic act of disgust I have seen in a long time! Great! I loved this meal!
Snapper baked in sea salt, roasted red peppers, kale salad and sweet potato baked chips.
Today we ate snapper baked in sea salt, infused with lemon and orange peel with roasted sweet potato fries, a kale salad, some baked potato ‘fries’, (for the kids not me). cherry tomatoes and grilled red peppers. The kale salad was rejected outright but everything else was gobbled up! I loved the kale salad!
I will share these recipes with you as they are easy, fast (I have no time!) and delicious.
Can I keep on doing this? Yes! I feel so good and satisfied and motivated! Will we have pizza on Friday night? Yes! Will I eat it? No but I will make something up for me that I will enjoy! This is not about torturing my family or myself. There is a happy medium here and I want to find it like a heat-seeking missile!
“Resistance is futile” is the Borg’s ominous warning of what is to come. Well, I am now the Borg and resistance has met its match!!
Do you ever hear yourself saying that and in the same breath telling yourself “well that won’t last long”? It happens to me a lot! But this time is different because I am scared. Really scared. COVID is around and transmission rates are skyrocketing. My health profile unfortunately shares many common elements with comorbidities that result in many people either getting seriously ill when they get COVID or dying. That is the reality. Yes, of course, let’s live life as full as we can, eat what we want, drink what we want but you know what? Nup. That is starting to feel, for me, like I am giving myself permission to get sick….or worse. Like I want to hurt my body, not nurture it. Nope. Nup. No thank you. Enough.
Six months ago I quit a senior role as a Chief of Staff after years of working myself sick. It took me from then until July just to get to a point where I was ready to just look at another job. I am now working 3 days a week as a lawyer and have reignited my love for this profession that I wanted to be a part of since I was 15 years old. Yes! Crazy right?! So I have achieved a transformation on the job front in 6 months! I gave myself permission to go back to the drawing board, try something new and just see what happens and…I love it. Awesome!
Now for the other components of Fanoula. I am 48 years old, tired, overweight, potentially pre-diabetic, burnt out, highly suspicious that I am suffering from PTSD from both my previous jobs and COVID. I am also a wife, a mother, a daughter and a friend to people who I love dearly and want to share so much with.
So, after that brutal assault of my reality, what am I doing here? I want things to change for me. And I want to get things out of my head and write about them. I want to document my journey that I have promised myself today that I will embark on and I want to hold myself accountable for that. This is my chance to set the tone for the rest of my life. Doing it during a COVID lockdown is even more incentive…I want to be strong physically and mentally to ensure that my family and I have the best chance of living well and being healthy, no matter what life throws at us.
fetaparmigiano 